Ups and Downs

Sorry for being so emotional but this is where I come when I am feeling this way. Today I realized that three weeks ago Christopher was undergoing his fourth surgery in his short little life, his second open heart surgery. I wanted to share something with you all. It is my journal entry the day of Chris' last surgery. Written a few hours after surgery.

July 13th, 2010

My dear, precious, baby boy,

I think today is the hardest day of my life. I woke up at 5 am (although I didn't sleep much) and got ready to take you over to the hospital for your surgery. This is your fourth surgery in your short life and your second open-heart surgery. Daddy and I got you ready to go and headed over at 5:45 am. We checked in and they made sure your tests and paperwork were in order. We were shown to a room where we got you dressed in your little green gown. The nurse gave us a special scrub to scrub your chest with. We then went down to the surgery floor and spoke with your surgeon, Dr. Iguidbashian and your anesthesiologist, Dr. Axel. They explained the surgery and how long it normally takes. They were in good spirits and knew just what to say to reassure us. I have great confidence in the team here at Emmanuel. They have taken care of you since you were 1 day old. The hardest thing I ever had to do, though, was to let you go. The doctors left and the surgery RN stayed behind to take you to the OR. I cried and cried when I handed you to her, I said, "take care of my baby". Then I kissed your little head and whispered in your ear "I love you very much and when you are done with this scary surgery, I'll be waiting right here for you. I love you Chris." She took you to the OR and we went to the waiting room. I was overjoyed when our case manager came to update us. Each time she came she was so happy with how he was doing. The surgery went quickly and you went through it all like a champ. Before long we went upstairs to the PICU. They wheeled you by and I thought "Thank you, Thank you God, for letting me keep my baby boy a little longer!" I thought you looked so good compared to the previous surgeries you've had. Robert joked with the team and said "That's not our child.....just kidding" They didn't look too amused but they know us by now, they know that is Robert's way of saying "thank god that's over."......

You are the strongest person I know and you are only almost 5 months old. You are so brave, I wish I were as strong and brave as you. I thank God every day for giving me the blessing of being your mother. I love you with all my heart and will be over to PICU to see you soon. Rest and heal my beautiful little son.

Love and kisses,
Mommy

Anyway, I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude that moved me to tears today, when I realized that in a week it'll have been one month since surgery, and Chris is doing sssooo well. He has the brightest eyes and smile, that say to me "I love you, and I'm so happy to be home, with my crazy family." Three weeks ago I didn't know if I'd see that happy smile again. I am so greatful when God hears and answers our prayers. This has been a huge test of faith for me, I'm sure I have a few more in store. Please don't forget to pray and don't take your children, friendships, relationships, or parents for granted. We are all each other has!!!! I love you all.